Valentine's Day might be a special time to curl up with that box of chocolates and rewatch Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan vehicles, but here at Lightbox Heroes we prefer to keep that soft, gooey center carefully concealed and firmly where it belongs—safely tucked away in our private lives. Rather than join the millions of adorable romantic look-backs, we choose to highlight the worst romantic choices possible. These are the couples that will make you extra thankful for that significant other in your life, or will have you rejoicing that you are alone (rather than stuck in these nightmares).
Kelly and Ryan, The Office
Rosemary
For two characters that started out as straight-man foils for Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute, Kelly Kapoor and Ryan Howard sure ended up bat-shit crazy. Ryan quickly evolved into the the worst combination of hipster/entrepreneur/narcissist that has ever graced our screens, and Kelly twisted herself into knots to hit every reality TV-show cliche we know. They brought out the worst in each other throughout their middle school romance. Their relationship made me physically ill. And yet, some part of me was oddly satisfied when Kelly and Ryan ran off together in the series finale, leaving Kelly’s fiance and Ryan’s adopted baby in the dust. At least Kelly and Ryan deserved each other.
Rosemary
For two characters that started out as straight-man foils for Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute, Kelly Kapoor and Ryan Howard sure ended up bat-shit crazy. Ryan quickly evolved into the the worst combination of hipster/entrepreneur/narcissist that has ever graced our screens, and Kelly twisted herself into knots to hit every reality TV-show cliche we know. They brought out the worst in each other throughout their middle school romance. Their relationship made me physically ill. And yet, some part of me was oddly satisfied when Kelly and Ryan ran off together in the series finale, leaving Kelly’s fiance and Ryan’s adopted baby in the dust. At least Kelly and Ryan deserved each other.
Apollo and Dee, Battlestar Galactica
Rosemary
Pop quiz: how invested can you be in a man who is admittedly in love with another woman and a woman who knows it but is willing to be settled for because she’s just that needy? Such is the oh-so-romantic and never-freaking-ending relationship of Lee Adama and Anastasia Dualla. Not only is Lee in love with Starbuck, but Dee is such a horrible person to constantly be around, she makes him fat. And sad. And insecure. And awful. Though they separate and Dee comes to a tragic end, no amount of nostalgia and season four backpedaling can make Apollo and Dee’s relationship anything less than hole in the head.
Rosemary
Pop quiz: how invested can you be in a man who is admittedly in love with another woman and a woman who knows it but is willing to be settled for because she’s just that needy? Such is the oh-so-romantic and never-freaking-ending relationship of Lee Adama and Anastasia Dualla. Not only is Lee in love with Starbuck, but Dee is such a horrible person to constantly be around, she makes him fat. And sad. And insecure. And awful. Though they separate and Dee comes to a tragic end, no amount of nostalgia and season four backpedaling can make Apollo and Dee’s relationship anything less than hole in the head.
Veronica and Piz, Veronica Mars
Rosemary
Those of us Marshmallows who though Veronica and Duncan were the chemistry low of Veronica Mars found a truly horrifying cherry on top of the shit-tastic disaster of third season: Stosh "Piz" Piznarski. Good god, just look at his name! Piz could have been an acceptable addition to third season VM (the bar was pretty low, after all); however, Piz never seemed to develop a personality beyond being enamoured with Veronica. While Veronica’s struggle to see a future with Logan was interesting, it was genuinely disappointing when she embraced the most boring guy ever and the showrunners scrambled to convince us that it was true love. No one bought it, and it’s left a bitter bitter taste in our mouths whenever we think of the once great glory of Veronica Mars. At least we have the movie, now, to fix everything . . . right, guys?
Rosemary
Those of us Marshmallows who though Veronica and Duncan were the chemistry low of Veronica Mars found a truly horrifying cherry on top of the shit-tastic disaster of third season: Stosh "Piz" Piznarski. Good god, just look at his name! Piz could have been an acceptable addition to third season VM (the bar was pretty low, after all); however, Piz never seemed to develop a personality beyond being enamoured with Veronica. While Veronica’s struggle to see a future with Logan was interesting, it was genuinely disappointing when she embraced the most boring guy ever and the showrunners scrambled to convince us that it was true love. No one bought it, and it’s left a bitter bitter taste in our mouths whenever we think of the once great glory of Veronica Mars. At least we have the movie, now, to fix everything . . . right, guys?
Ryan and Marissa, The O.C.
Cat
Besides the fact that these two were both ridiculously attractive, they had no business being a couple. Their relationship was built on nothing but Marissa’s desire to break rules and upset the norm; and as for Ryan, well, when a hot girl comes on to you saying 'no' is not an option. Besides, drama-queen Marissa provided the perfect fuel for Ryan’s raging savior-complex. But beyond HD-beautiful looks, they had no common factors. Ryan and Marissa spent their time making tortured faces and staring into middle distance over choppy waves that represented their inner turmoil. But love can’t exist from gazing alone. The strange thing is that their attempts at dating actually did provide a basis for a something wonderful—friendship. When season three ends, the sorrow comes not from losing a lover, but for the loss of a true friend.
Cat
Besides the fact that these two were both ridiculously attractive, they had no business being a couple. Their relationship was built on nothing but Marissa’s desire to break rules and upset the norm; and as for Ryan, well, when a hot girl comes on to you saying 'no' is not an option. Besides, drama-queen Marissa provided the perfect fuel for Ryan’s raging savior-complex. But beyond HD-beautiful looks, they had no common factors. Ryan and Marissa spent their time making tortured faces and staring into middle distance over choppy waves that represented their inner turmoil. But love can’t exist from gazing alone. The strange thing is that their attempts at dating actually did provide a basis for a something wonderful—friendship. When season three ends, the sorrow comes not from losing a lover, but for the loss of a true friend.
Shannon and Sayid, Lost
Cat
Shannon and Sayid might be the most ludicrous couple to ever grace the screen. In a show rife with misguided pairings—Jack and Kate, Jack and Juliet, Jack and Bai Ling—Lost’s worst sin was taking the intelligent, heart-of-gold Sayid and mashing him together with airhead Shannon. Sayid had quickly become a fan favorite, with his heartbreaking backstory and tales of lost love. As for Shannon, she had proven herself to be a shallow gold-digger who emotionally (and sexually) manipulated her stepbrother. The thought that these two would ever spend time together, let alone be each other’s eternal love (GAG), makes neither logical nor TV sense.
Cat
Shannon and Sayid might be the most ludicrous couple to ever grace the screen. In a show rife with misguided pairings—Jack and Kate, Jack and Juliet, Jack and Bai Ling—Lost’s worst sin was taking the intelligent, heart-of-gold Sayid and mashing him together with airhead Shannon. Sayid had quickly become a fan favorite, with his heartbreaking backstory and tales of lost love. As for Shannon, she had proven herself to be a shallow gold-digger who emotionally (and sexually) manipulated her stepbrother. The thought that these two would ever spend time together, let alone be each other’s eternal love (GAG), makes neither logical nor TV sense.
Britta and Troy, Community
Cat
We should have known it was the darkest timeline once Britta and Troy started making eyes at each other. Community has always been a show where the jokes came before anything, particularly before any emotional connections. Pairings existed to heighten hilarious situations—the necessary ramp-up of the paintball spoof, the debate proving that man is evil. When Troy and Britta got involved, it was far too sincere for comfort. Besides, it highlighted how far these characters had fallen. Once a strong independent feminist, Britta’s IQ and badassery had reached all-time lows. Her interest in Troy was a cheap way to play up those negative qualities, all while attempting to bring Troy into an emotional maturity. It was a hackneyed attempt to tell their story in the laziest way possible. Letting the relationship bloom during the gas leak year, without the aid of Dan Harmon, just ran the couple into emotional schlock that much quicker. It’s no coincidence that the best episode of last year was the one where Britta and Troy’s dating just fades away.
Cat
We should have known it was the darkest timeline once Britta and Troy started making eyes at each other. Community has always been a show where the jokes came before anything, particularly before any emotional connections. Pairings existed to heighten hilarious situations—the necessary ramp-up of the paintball spoof, the debate proving that man is evil. When Troy and Britta got involved, it was far too sincere for comfort. Besides, it highlighted how far these characters had fallen. Once a strong independent feminist, Britta’s IQ and badassery had reached all-time lows. Her interest in Troy was a cheap way to play up those negative qualities, all while attempting to bring Troy into an emotional maturity. It was a hackneyed attempt to tell their story in the laziest way possible. Letting the relationship bloom during the gas leak year, without the aid of Dan Harmon, just ran the couple into emotional schlock that much quicker. It’s no coincidence that the best episode of last year was the one where Britta and Troy’s dating just fades away.
Josh and Amy, The West Wing
Mary
Aaron Sorkin, if you were a creepy X-Files villain that fed on human organs, I would give you both of my kidneys and live on dialysis to facilitate just one more sentence from your gorgeous mind. That said, you did not bring your A-game here. Josh is one of your most magnificent creations: he’s a lustable, delectable, smartass, weird-hairline, mad-politico-genius. And Amy is … just not worth Josh’s air space. On paper, the tough, sexy, hold-no-prisoners feminist should be a great pairing, but all we see is Amy leveraging Josh for his position in the White House. She openly exploited his affections and dressed it up as empowerment. I speak for the sisterhood when I say I am ashamed of you, Amy. And you, too, Aaron, for making such lackluster vicarious lovin’.
Mary
Aaron Sorkin, if you were a creepy X-Files villain that fed on human organs, I would give you both of my kidneys and live on dialysis to facilitate just one more sentence from your gorgeous mind. That said, you did not bring your A-game here. Josh is one of your most magnificent creations: he’s a lustable, delectable, smartass, weird-hairline, mad-politico-genius. And Amy is … just not worth Josh’s air space. On paper, the tough, sexy, hold-no-prisoners feminist should be a great pairing, but all we see is Amy leveraging Josh for his position in the White House. She openly exploited his affections and dressed it up as empowerment. I speak for the sisterhood when I say I am ashamed of you, Amy. And you, too, Aaron, for making such lackluster vicarious lovin’.
Ted and Robin, How I Met Your Mother
Mary
Ted and Robin could have been an interesting conceit—getting us intimately acquainted with and rooting for a couple we know is doomed could be tasty tasty angst. Instead, Ted and Robin were terrible from day one. This relationship is the perfect example of people dating under the guise of compromise, but with the obvious intent of changing their partner to tailor their own needs. If you look closely, Ted’s actually an self-absorbed jerk. He dates Robin, but never respects her enough to listen to what she wants. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t want kids or marriage or to stay in one place—he figures he’ll just date her and then emotionally bully her into giving him his own dream, sans compromise. And shame on Robin for not being true to herself, either.
Mary
Ted and Robin could have been an interesting conceit—getting us intimately acquainted with and rooting for a couple we know is doomed could be tasty tasty angst. Instead, Ted and Robin were terrible from day one. This relationship is the perfect example of people dating under the guise of compromise, but with the obvious intent of changing their partner to tailor their own needs. If you look closely, Ted’s actually an self-absorbed jerk. He dates Robin, but never respects her enough to listen to what she wants. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t want kids or marriage or to stay in one place—he figures he’ll just date her and then emotionally bully her into giving him his own dream, sans compromise. And shame on Robin for not being true to herself, either.
Buffy and Riley, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Mary
It baffles me that there exists a subgroup of hard-core Buffy fans who feel like Riley is the one who got away. While pairing Buffy with a human who can hold his own in battle was initially interesting, it grew into a horrific affront to the empowering message of the Buffyverse. Riley proves time and again that he cannot handle having a strong female in his life. This isn’t an initial struggle that gets conquered by time and caring--it just persists, in different forms. Yes, Buffy is emotionally closed off, and she shouldn’t be let off the hook for that, but blaming her for Riley’s choice to turn to supernatural hookers is classic chauvinist bullshit. Basically, that relationship is a complete waste of a classic Xander powerspeech.
Mary
It baffles me that there exists a subgroup of hard-core Buffy fans who feel like Riley is the one who got away. While pairing Buffy with a human who can hold his own in battle was initially interesting, it grew into a horrific affront to the empowering message of the Buffyverse. Riley proves time and again that he cannot handle having a strong female in his life. This isn’t an initial struggle that gets conquered by time and caring--it just persists, in different forms. Yes, Buffy is emotionally closed off, and she shouldn’t be let off the hook for that, but blaming her for Riley’s choice to turn to supernatural hookers is classic chauvinist bullshit. Basically, that relationship is a complete waste of a classic Xander powerspeech.
And the Worst Couple award goes to...
Dan and Serena, Gossip Girl
Rosemary: I’m going to be perfectly honest: I did not finish watching Gossip Girl. The reason is simple. Dan and Serena had become an overly reanimated zombie that needs a double tap to the head. Dan, who was once the compelling outsider with a complicated fascination for the “in crowd,” crossed the integral line between observing and becoming. Serena, initially attracted to Dan because he was outside of the dramatic world that had surrounded her, soon molds him into just another Upper East Side guy . . . and kind of hates him for it. Their whole relationship ends up being Dan rebelling against Serena’s world and giving up and coming back. This is the happily ever after couple we are supposed to root for? Don’t even get me started on when Dan ends up being Gossip Girl, literally becoming the worst element of Serena’s world and the definitive proof that Dan has given up his identity in favor of being close to Serena. (Spoiler alert: she isn’t worth it.)
Cat: Here’s the thing about Dan and Serena—they actually started out great. The first season, when they were driven together by a mutual desire to change their circumstances, worked. But then their teenage love stretched on, and on, and on, without a maturing of teenage emotions. As seasons progressed, Dan got wackadoo hipster hair and a goldfish stare (wide, vacant eyes and lips slightly pursed and open). His romantic decisions were controlled less by his desires and more by circumstance—and in this case, that circumstance was Serena’s megalomaniac inability to let Dan have his own life. Which is just so Serena. Serena, who thoroughly morphed from a likable girl to a woman so self-absorbed that people meant little more to her than talking mannequins created to feed her vanity. Throughout the series she picked up beaus and quickly dropped them (just as soon as they gave up significant portions of their life to prove their affection for her, of course). Dan is no different. To Serena, wanting him was not about loving him, but rather about not letting anyone else have him. It’s a courtship of ownership and stunted growth.
Mary: I’m firmly convinced that these two married each other because they (Serena) had dated and been deservedly rejected by the entire human race. Both of them treat any significant other as accessories to the outfit that is their personality. I’m pretty sure Serena dumped Dan at least three times because she thought the cut of his jeans made it look like she had cankles. And the idea that Dan could have the stamina, foresight, smarts, and sheer personality to be Gossip Girl all these years is just insulting to the intelligence of the audience. He’s just not that interesting. I mean, his dream girl is Serena. Of course he isn’t that interesting. But this isn’t even a Kelly-Ryan at-least-they-deserve-each-other situation. These two create such a black hole of suck that I think their unholy union puts the universe in peril. Oh well, I’m sure they got divorced a week later.
Rosemary: I’m going to be perfectly honest: I did not finish watching Gossip Girl. The reason is simple. Dan and Serena had become an overly reanimated zombie that needs a double tap to the head. Dan, who was once the compelling outsider with a complicated fascination for the “in crowd,” crossed the integral line between observing and becoming. Serena, initially attracted to Dan because he was outside of the dramatic world that had surrounded her, soon molds him into just another Upper East Side guy . . . and kind of hates him for it. Their whole relationship ends up being Dan rebelling against Serena’s world and giving up and coming back. This is the happily ever after couple we are supposed to root for? Don’t even get me started on when Dan ends up being Gossip Girl, literally becoming the worst element of Serena’s world and the definitive proof that Dan has given up his identity in favor of being close to Serena. (Spoiler alert: she isn’t worth it.)
Cat: Here’s the thing about Dan and Serena—they actually started out great. The first season, when they were driven together by a mutual desire to change their circumstances, worked. But then their teenage love stretched on, and on, and on, without a maturing of teenage emotions. As seasons progressed, Dan got wackadoo hipster hair and a goldfish stare (wide, vacant eyes and lips slightly pursed and open). His romantic decisions were controlled less by his desires and more by circumstance—and in this case, that circumstance was Serena’s megalomaniac inability to let Dan have his own life. Which is just so Serena. Serena, who thoroughly morphed from a likable girl to a woman so self-absorbed that people meant little more to her than talking mannequins created to feed her vanity. Throughout the series she picked up beaus and quickly dropped them (just as soon as they gave up significant portions of their life to prove their affection for her, of course). Dan is no different. To Serena, wanting him was not about loving him, but rather about not letting anyone else have him. It’s a courtship of ownership and stunted growth.
Mary: I’m firmly convinced that these two married each other because they (Serena) had dated and been deservedly rejected by the entire human race. Both of them treat any significant other as accessories to the outfit that is their personality. I’m pretty sure Serena dumped Dan at least three times because she thought the cut of his jeans made it look like she had cankles. And the idea that Dan could have the stamina, foresight, smarts, and sheer personality to be Gossip Girl all these years is just insulting to the intelligence of the audience. He’s just not that interesting. I mean, his dream girl is Serena. Of course he isn’t that interesting. But this isn’t even a Kelly-Ryan at-least-they-deserve-each-other situation. These two create such a black hole of suck that I think their unholy union puts the universe in peril. Oh well, I’m sure they got divorced a week later.