Tonight, on Welcome to the Family, we're examining the pitfalls and pratfalls of all kinds of relationships! Or at least, relationships that involve pregnancy and the woman feeling unappreciated by her man (because men are never the ones feeling sad over a lack of spark in a relationship. That's a job for women).
Listen to your wife, when she's calling for you
The Problem: Caroline is pregnant, but Dan just can't get with the program. He's off feeling all threatened because this baby is seriously impeding his plans. Meanwhile, Caroline just needs a burger! But Dan is too busy with his midlife crisis to pay attention to his wife. Oh men. With their need for travel and adventure and their never-wanting-to-rub-their-wife's-feet. What on earth can be done?
The Solution: Buy an RV! This tried and true sitcom classic will work like a charm. Yes, Caroline will hate it and want to burn it with fire, but she'll get over it. Besides, humorous situations will arise when she tries to return it, but first attempts to get that burger you never brought her, Dan. Best off all, the RV just might fortuitously help with every other relationship problem. Like....
Don't you want me baby?
The Problem: Molly and Junior haven't done..."it"....since she announced the pregnancy. And now Junior is acting all weird about it. Is it because he doesn't find her all sexy-like now? Or is it (correctly) that he feels uncomfortable doing ..."it"... in her parent's house, where he is now inexplicably living, with full knowledge and approval from the Yoders and his own parents?
The Solution: Oh that magical RV. After Dan and Caroline decide to keep the broken, defeated, visual crisis of a vehicle, they use tricky reverse psychology on the crazy kids. See by telling Molly and Junior they aren't allowed in the RV, Caroline actually is giving it to them to use as their personal sex palace. Yeah, you sure are a "good mom" Caroline, way to give yourself deserved congrats on that one. And leering over the rocking van from your bedroom window? Not creepy at all.
Junior's mom has got it going on
The Problem: Lisette is finally hit with the realization that Junior's baby means she's going to be--oh, the horror!---a GRANDMOTHER. This revelation comes at the worst possible moment. At parent's night for their youngest son's teacher, Lisette and Miguel run into Miguel's ex-girlfriend, the weirdly prolific Eva Longoria. Man, is she foxy! And all over Miguel! If Lisette didn't feel dowdy before, she sure does now. Because once again, without youth, beauty, and sexual approval from a male, a woman is completely useless.
The Solution: The RV is the place to be. When they go to help Caroline get out of that sticky drive-in situation, Lisette must flirt with a police officer so Dan can talk Caroline down from her frozen, stuck perch in the RV. Armed with bare shoulders and arm-touching action, and fueled by supporting thumbs-ups from a hiding Miguel, Lisette gets her groove back. She might be a grandma, but dang she's sexy! Sexy enough to distract a cop.
Because, as all these stories preach, life is nothing without physical approval from men. So go get 'em ladies! Buckle up on the cliche train and ride that man until you feel good about yourself.
Interest Rate: Nothing. I nothing this show so hard.
You know what, I give up. At this point, I'm just happy to see a show about families that doesn't feature everyone screaming at each other all the time. I mean, there's some yelling, but like I said. This is television about family relationships. What else can be expected?
The trailer doesn't look terrible. The production value isn't cringingly cheap. The actors aren't totally hamming it up or phoning it in. There's nothing particularly good about it, but there's nothing bad about it either.
It reminds me of Ben and Kate and The New Normal--shows that are trying to embrace how people are carving out wacky family conglomerations. You know, Modern Family rip offs. Welcome to the Family is probably the blandest of the bunch. It's playing fairly safe with the in-law dynamic, but that's one of the things in it's favor. Combining families is a tricky business even when both parties are from homogeneous neighborhoods. You throw in differing cultures and a teen pregnancy and it could get interesting. I doubt this show is the one to do it, but who knows. I'm up for being surprised.
At least I won't be in pain while watching this. Saints be praised.